In Pursuit.
This is a purely fictional verse. I've sat and observed people, their actions and reactions, and this is from a very certain perspective of someone who is very much in their own head. Someone doomed in an eternal downward spiral of self-pity. In eternal pursuit of something they think they must achieve, when in reality it doesn't even exist. It's all in their head.
Eternally in pursuit of a perfect performance -
Every day, from dusk to dawn, every observable moment you may spend with me,
I live in pursuit of satisfaction.
It seemed to you earlier that I was just an amicable person, didn't it?
Not even a crease crossed my forehead when you spilt tea all over me
I froze, expression still. A fraction of a moment passed, and I sighed, smiling.
It's completely alright! I said, charming, cheerful. It was genuine.
No really, I didn't feel bad at all, even though this shirt was my favourite, and now it's ruined - you didn't do it on purpose, I understand you completely!
And besides, what's lost is lost, right?
A perfectly moderated response, a low, steady voice.
A smile, plastered across my face. Crinkles around the side of my eyes.
It’s genuine. You nod and turn around.
I hope you can see the smile. I meant it, you know.
You walk away, back turned.
Routine.
I watch you walking away from behind.
Not a single thought more spared that day, was there?
All because I forgave you immediately - just like that, without a fight.
Wow, I might need to tone down the niceties a little the next time, I thought.
But I can’t really bring myself to.
I see you all gathered there, discussing excitedly.
Finally! I get to see you all at once. I quicken my pace at your direction.
Suddenly, the air shifts, as you notice me. A subtle change.
Wait, am I not invited here? For a moment there, my happiness was genuine.
Now it dies out, almost immediately. I couldn’t turn around and trod back right at that moment could I - though if I could, I would definitely have.
It'd be an open act, out of place, an act of detachment first committed by me.
Well, even though the initiation was from you.
So I stay, lingering. Small talk to the one nearest to me.
I slip towards at the edge, corners, and I leave as soon as I possibly can.
I won't be the reason for you to discontinue the fun. I will leave.
Restore the state to what it was earlier.
Today, I missed my largest chance at interaction,
Because a sudden feeling of guilt had hit me when I approached.
The shift in the air, was I the only one who felt it?
Today, they didn’t see me. I faded a small percentage more.
Poor performance. Disappointed.
Now that the interaction has been tainted, must I even continue for the rest of the day?
Must I pretend that nothing happened, or would that paint me a fickle character, one I'm so clearly not?
Does anybody even notice my absence, do they wonder?
Do they form opinions of me much like they do others?
Well, seems like I would have to observe their reactions to others
So I may form a comparative analysis to my own.
Besides, nobody cares anyway - oh yikes. Here I go -
Again I commit another blunder in my act.
The moment I decide you don’t care, I commit my first act of alienation.
This, you do notice. Not entirely, but just a little.
You collectively write it off as my mood. Or my character.
Or both.
Now, I’m tainted. The performer is injured.
How must the act go on?
I see two of you, snickering about something I don't know.
I can very well approach you, and laugh about it with you. You'll not mind,
And I am very well aware of it.
But then, your lower barrier to entry is exactly what I must avoid,
For if I enjoy your company too much, I might get encased.
Assumed to be in an interaction I am not actually a part of -
Because if it were someone else, they would be right in assuming so, but since it’s me, they’re wrong.
Now, I don’t really experience things as others do, do I?
So to prevent this misconception in the eyes of my uncaring audience, no.
I cannot allow myself the pleasure of joining you, not this time.
I note, absently, that I had spent enough time with you yesterday anyway,
Perhaps we can go through another two days of minimal interaction. Optimal, cost effective.
So you laugh on, apparently unseen, and I observe you from the side, truly unseen.
Slowly, I feel myself becoming the creep I try to avoid.
Anyhow, the decision remains unchanged.
I hear familiar voices, and look up to see three of you heading out.
Two of you are laughing, the third being the one making you both laugh.
The look of joy in your faces is endearing.
You pass right by me - I was sure you'd notice me waving -
But you didn't. I dropped my hand, now noticing the barely-visible barrier that encased you as you walked by.
Ah, of course. My bad.
The barrier to entry was as high as the walls.
You see, you were happy. A new entry (mine) would disturb the balance, right?
I went back to what I was doing, hoping to catch you all later.
To those of you whose presence I truly enjoyed and yet maintained distance -
it was all a part of the script, you must surely understand -
I tried coming back. I really did.
And welcome me you did, of course,
But you no longer remembered me like you used to.
My absence forced you to find company elsewhere,
And you are now better off than you were before,
Better off and lesser in need of my company.
Having spent enough time in absolute isolation,
Either by choice or by chance, after a few weeks,
I decided now was the time to come see you all again.
Having deliberately stopped myself from walking over to you myself,
And having pointedly noticed how you never did so yourself,
I decided that after three misses, the fourth must be a hit. From my end, obviously.
Again.
As I walk over, I see two of you huddled closely together.
I hear humming and giggling. You’re comfortable. I walk up from behind you,
But your reaction shocks me.
You went absolutely still, frozen. Didn't look up.
Wow, that's the kind of reaction I've heard an abuser cause to the abused.
My heart went up my throat. I wished I could dissappear right then.
But thankfully, after all the practice, I've quite mastered the art of masking.
So I put on my 23rd mask, just to be sure,
Finished whatever small talk I'd started with the one who did look up,
And walked off, blank-faced, wide eyed.
On my way back, neither did I fail to smile warmly at all those who met my eyes,
Nor did I ignore the attempts at small talk made by the those I’ve barely met before.
I do not fail to do my part, regardless of anything.
But - you froze when I came near. What!
I realised that I honestly did not know what you thought of me.
Am I that undesirable a presence? A beast of some sort?
I... tears well up in my eyes. What have I turned into?
I flash a toothy grin at the one guarding the exit, wishing her a great weekend as I walk out.
On every front, my attempts have yielded no results.
Performance? Disastrous. I did nothing wrong, and yet everything has fallen apart.
So I let go.
I've failed. I've failed, finally, and truly.
Not my first, and not my last, not unless I exit the stage.
And exit I cannot, because without the stage I step into abyss.
Here, the curtains never close, the audience doesn't cheer.
And yet I must perfrom to their satisfaction.
I hope you are happy.
Cars, buses, trucks, people, everything races right through me
As I kneel down in the middle of the road
Nothing can touch me anymore.
Black tar and gravel shifts under my feet.
Oh, the beautiful life all around me... I wish I could touch it.
Suddenly, I noticed the barrier return. No longer translucent.
It was surrounding me now, as high as the sky. Opaque.
It’s night by the time I make my way to the sea.
Midnight blue waters. I trod forward.
I close my eyes for the last time as I feel the cold water around my face engulf me completely.
Why, did nobody tell you?
Drowning can be quite peaceful.
I wake up the next morning,
Feeling the warm sunshine on my cheeks. I shift under my soft bed covers.
Today’s sun has risen.
Going through death and coming out alive on the other side is a very refreshing experience
You should try it too, sometime.
I do it every day.